Learning to Love My Enemy

 

Several years ago, I was asked to speak in church on the topic of forgiveness.

While preparing to speak, I read a general conference talk about forgiveness by Elder M. Joseph Brough. He told a story that his stake president, Bruce M. Cook, had shared with him.

Elder Brough said Brother Cook and some of his associates had started a business. They made some poor business decisions during challenging economic times, and the business failed. Some investors in the business filed a lawsuit to recover their losses. Their attorney was a man who was a counselor in the bishopric in Brother Cook’s ward. This created an awkward and difficult situation for Brother Cook. Brother Cook said:

“It was very difficult to sustain the man who seemed to be seeking to destroy me. I developed some real animosity toward him and considered him my enemy. After five years of legal battles, we lost everything we owned, including our home.

“In 2002, my wife and I learned that the stake presidency in which I [then] served as a counselor was being reorganized. As we traveled on a short vacation prior to the release, she asked me whom I would choose as my counselors if I were called as the new stake president. I did not want to speak about it, but she persisted. Eventually, one name came to my mind. She then mentioned the name of the attorney we considered to have been at the center of our difficulties 20 years earlier. As she spoke, the Spirit confirmed that he should be the other counselor. Could I forgive the man?”

I paused at this point in reading this story and also asked myself, could I have forgiven that man?

Bro. Cook’s story continued.

“When Elder David E. Sorensen extended to me the call to serve as stake president, he gave me an hour to select counselors. Through tears, I indicated that the Lord had already provided that revelation. As I spoke the name of the man I had considered my enemy, the anger, animosity, and hate I had harbored disappeared. In that moment, I learned of the peace that comes with forgiveness through the Atonement of Christ.” (M. Joseph Brough, “Lift Up Your Head and Rejoice,” Ensign, Nov. 2018.)

As I thought about this story, I knew right away that I shouldn’t prepare just to talk about forgiveness. I needed to practice what I would be preaching, and so I asked myself two questions:

First, is there someone I need to ask for forgiveness?

And second, is there someone I need to forgive?

Before that moment, I had already done a lot of repenting and forgiving in my life, and I thought I was in a pretty good place. So, when I asked those two questions, I was surprised by how much more forgiveness I needed. The names of several people, including family members, came to my mind.

One such name was that of my high school debate class teacher. I had had an experience during my senior year of high school that left me feeling deeply hurt and resentful toward him. Over the years I had tried to forgive him. Mentally I said I did forgive him. But when his name came up now as someone I needed to forgive, I could tell that the hurt and resentment I had buried deep in my heart earlier in my life was still there. I couldn’t seem to let it go.

During my junior year of high school, I had really liked our debate class teacher, whom we nicknamed “JT”. My debate partner and I did well in competitions that year, and we were expected to be one of the top teams the next year. However, when my senior year started, I realized I had over scheduled myself, and I was feeling completely overwhelmed. So, I talked with JT and asked to participate in mock legislative assembly instead of debate, because legislative assembly wouldn’t require as much preparation. JT reluctantly agreed. This would leave my debate partner without a partner, and JT was unhappy about that.

The school year went on, and it turned out that I did well in legislative assembly competitions. I tied for first place at our school’s regional tournament, and I received an invitation to participate in the state tournament. Things seemed to be going better than I had expected.

Then I received my first semester report card and everything changed. My report card said I received a D grade for debate class. I was furious! After school I went to JT’s classroom. I shouted at him. I have never been so angry, either before or since. JT told me I didn’t deserve an A because I hadn’t debated. As I remember it, he talked about not giving “the great Brad Wiggins” an A and seemed to enjoy talking about ruining my perfect record. I thought he was mean and completely unfair. In retrospect, I can see that I considered him my enemy. I shouted that I wouldn’t go to the state tournament and stormed off.

Later JT offered to work out a truce. He said he would raise my first semester grade if I would go to the state tournament and compete in legislative assembly. I agreed to do that and went to the tournament, where I received an excellent rating. I did what I had agreed to do, but I wasn’t happy about it. On our way to and from the tournament on the team bus, I was angry and sullen.

After the school year ended, I received my final report card in the mail. To my chagrin, my first semester grade was still a D! My grade had not been changed. School was over. I had already graduated. I thought there was nothing I could do about it. I became more deeply resentful.

Now, years later, when I asked myself, “Is there someone I need to forgive?” JT’s name was the first name that came to my mind.

I began pondering and praying about this situation—at home, in my car, at church and at the temple.

During the sacrament, I wondered why I was having such a hard time forgiving my teacher. I began to see I was believing that JT had done something to me that was wrong—something that was a sin and that had hurt me. But the Spirit was softening my heart, and I started questioning whether my judgments of him were correct.

I knew for myself that Jesus Christ had performed his atoning sacrifice in Gethsemane and on Calvary and thereby paid the price of all our sins, including my teacher’s sin against me, if what he did was a sin. I also knew that when Jesus pays the price of sin, he not only forgives the repentant sinner, but also opens the way for anyone who was hurt by that sin to be healed and made whole. 

Jesus Christ had already performed the Atonement. The price of sin had already been paid, and I just needed to receive that merciful gift. Thus, I could be healed, comforted, and made whole by the Savior, even if my teacher had intentionally tried to hurt me and would never apologize or ask me to forgive him.

I knew all of that, and it gave me hope. But so far, I couldn’t feel any of that healing, comfort or wholeness. So, I pressed on.

I remember sitting down, picturing the Savior and JT in front of me, and talking out loud to each of them.

I asked the Savior, “What is my problem? Why do I care so much about getting a D and about my grade not being changed?”

The answer came into my mind that my self-worth was wrapped up in my need to look good, my need to try to appear to be good, smart, pleasing, perfect.

Still, I believed the whole situation was unfair. I pleaded with JT, “Why did you do it?!”

When the answer came, I was startled that it didn't come from JT. It came from the Savior:

“I allowed this to happen so you could learn it was okay for you to get a D.”

WHAT?

The Spirit went on to teach me that a grade in school doesn’t mean anything about who I am or what I am worth. My worth to God was established before I came to this earth. My worth is independent of my grades and my striving.

The Spirit said, “This is about my kind of perfection, not yours. This is about preparing for eternal life, not about pretending to be flawless.”

Finally, I was able to begin letting go of my judgment and resentment toward my teacher.

I saw that God had used my teacher as an instrument to teach me an invaluable, life-changing lesson. A lesson that I sorely needed to learn so I could progress.

I began to question whether my teacher was even at fault. I started speculating to see if I could maybe give him the benefit of the doubt.

I thought, what if he had been trying to teach me the importance of being part of a team and of following through on my commitments?

And what if he did submit a grade change request for my first semester grade, but it got lost in the shuffle?

I began to be able to like JT again.

Still, I could tell I wasn’t finished.

So, I humbled myself and prayed. I longed to allow my heart to be broken and to yield my broken heart to the Savior. I asked the Lord for forgiveness. I asked him to cleanse my heart of all hurt, judgment, resentment. I asked to see this man as God sees him. I asked Heavenly Father to fill my heart with the pure love of Christ.

As my heart broke, I felt exquisite pain and sorrow. But I had learned before not to be afraid of that kind of pain. I knew that it passes and gets better! Opening and exposing my wounded heart was a necessary step in receiving the Savior’s deep cleansing, comforting, and healing of my heart. As I experienced these things, I was filled with love, gratitude and joy.

I thanked Heavenly Father and JT for helping me to better see myself as God sees me. I no longer needed to hide that I am human! (At least, not so much! I am still learning.) I can smile now and even laugh when I say I got a D in my high school debate class!

I also thanked Heavenly Father for helping me to better see JT as God sees him and for helping me to love JT more than I thought was possible.

What is the bottom line to all of this for me?

Ironically, I now understand that this was a situation which required me to repent, not to forgive.

Through this experience, I learned to love my enemy, but not in the way we ordinarily think about that.

My teacher was my enemy because I said he was. I created the enmity between us by judging and condemning him. It was I who was the enemy! I needed to repent—to turn repeatedly to God for grace, understanding, forgiveness and healing—to be able to love this man and understand that, in truth, he was not my enemy, and I didn’t need to be his.

Ultimately, I learned to love my enemy when the Savior taught me to see and embrace him as my friend and my brother.

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Photo Credit: “Love Your Enemies” sculpture is by Timothy Schmalz.

Important Note:

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland lovingly shared the following counsel regarding those of us who have suffered at the hands of others, particularly in toxic and abusive relationships:

“Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven,” Christ taught in New Testament times . . . .  It is, however, important for some of you living in real anguish to note what He did not say. He did not say, “You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.” Nor did He say, “In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.” But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing. That path is the forgiving one walked by Jesus of Nazareth, who calls out to each of us, “Come, follow me.”

Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Ministry of Reconciliation,” Ensign, Nov. 2018.

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