Guilt, Shame and Godly Sorrow

I have experienced both the positive and negative sides of guilt and shame.

Guilt has been defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc.”

Shame has been defined as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.”

Guilt and shame are helpful, healthy emotions when they help us realize we have turned from God, turned away from light, or crossed a boundary that God or man has set for our protection and well being.

Guilt and shame are gifts from God to help us recognize sin and error and repent by turning back to the light. They are healthy emotions when they cause us to humble ourselves and have a broken heart and contrite spirit. They make it possible for us recognize our responsibility for choices we have made that have turned us from God and have been harmful to ourselves and others. By bringing our broken heart, our guilt and our shame unto Christ and recognizing the price He has paid for our sins, we can experience godly sorrow, which is the kind of sorrow the scriptures say leads us to repent. The Apostle Paul said:

“Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance; for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.

“For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of; but the sorrow of the world worketh death” (2 Cor. 7:9-10).

I do not think God intended for us to spend a long time wallowing in guilt or shame, because that would unnecessarily have us feel separated from Him and others and be subject to the effects of spiritual death. Instead, the Lord wants us to use those emotions to take responsibility for our actions and make course corrections in our lives.

Satan, on the other hand, would have us identify with and internalize our shame by taking it into our hearts and into our beliefs about who we are. He would have us think that because we have done shameful things we are therefore shameful people. He would have us turn guilt and shame upon ourselves in the form of self-judgment and self-condemnation and would have us believe we are unworthy of love and incapable of being forgiven. Satan would have us bathe our hearts and minds and souls constantly in shame, self-loathing, depression and hopelessness. And when we have experienced how dark and damning that can be, he would then have us jump to the false conclusion that nothing we can do is shameful and therefore anything goes.

This is in stark contrast to the positive, encouraging counsel and promises of the Lord:

“Be not ashamed, neither confounded; but be admonished in all your high-mindedness and pride, for it bringeth a snare upon your souls” (D&C 90:17).

“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord:  though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. Though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

“If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land” (Isaiah 1:18-19).

Guilt and shame can serve us well when we use them as a guide, like a GPS, to show us where we are and where we want to go, rather than as evidence and proof of our lack of value. 

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Thank you for visiting my blog. I welcome your comments and would love to learn from and pass along what you have to share. I will moderate comments to make sure they are consistent with the purpose of this blog.

My purpose in writing is to share my thoughts and experiences on the subject of "seeking to bring forth and establish Zion" from the perspective of a believing Mormon. I do this to leave for my children and their children, and for others, a witness of some of the things I have learned along my way, as discussed in more detail in my first post: Seek to Bring Forth and Establish Zion.

I am not looking for praise or for Facebook "likes." If just one person benefits from what I have shared, the effort to share will be worth it.

Judging Myself

A friend of mine once warned me that whenever I point a finger of judgment at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at me.

I have since thought that this might be, in part, what Jesus was talking about when he said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matthew 7:1-2).

Let me give an example of what I mean.

Early in our marriage, Anita and I would talk with each other fairly often about how much we disliked elitism. There was one person in particular that we were bugged about because he was "such an elitist." You might say we figuratively pointed a finger at him—behind his back—and said, "You are an elitist."

Later Anita realized, to her surprise, that by judging this man as an elitist, she herself was being an elitist by considering herself superior to him. And so was I. Three of our fingers were pointing back at us, saying, "You are an elitist."

When we realized we were doing to this man exactly the same thing we were judging him for, we had to repent. We humbled ourselves and began to see him with new eyes. As a result, he became one of our most respected friends.

Through this experience, we learned that when we judge others, ironically, we judge ourselves. We also put distance between ourselves and those we judge.

Do you see this pattern in your own life?

If you become angry at someone for being unkind to you, are you being unkind to them?

When someone cuts you off on the freeway, do you try to show them how bad they are by cutting them off?

What other examples can you think of?

Examples of the devastating effects of judgment are all around us. Judgment has polarized our politics. Judgment tears apart marriages and families. In society, some individuals and groups are judged and marginalized, and sometimes when they find their voices they seem intent on returning the favor.

We give ourselves and others a gift when we learn to stop judging.

Here are some of the lessons I have learned for myself about not judging:

1. There is a difference between thinking I know something and having an opinion about it, and it really helps to understand the difference. (Since we are human, finite and fallible, is there really anything that is not an opinion?)

2. There is a huge difference between exercising judgment to discern wisdom for myself and exercising judgment to condemn others.

3. I am being self-righteous when I think I know the absolute truth about something and I judge and condemn someone else for not conforming to my viewpoint.

4. I can discern and know something for myself and stand in that truth without imposing that view on others, and I can still be humble and remain open to the possibility that I might be wrong or that there might at least be more to the picture than I am currently seeing.

5. I can tell I am in judgment mode when I see that I am holding others to a standard of perfection, as defined by me, or I am insisting that a standard of "anything goes" applies to me. 

6. When I think I definitively know something, I am not open to learning anything new.

7. When I think I definitively know someone, I am not open to being surprised by them in every moment, and I am not giving them the space to grow and change.

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Nowadays, I try not to point fingers so much. All that pointing can be painful!

By instead extending an open hand and open arms, I get to give and receive friendly handshakes and warm embraces, and any distance between us disappears.

—o0o— 

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