Judging Myself

A friend of mine once warned me that whenever I point a finger of judgment at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at me.

I have since thought that this might be, in part, what Jesus was talking about when he said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matthew 7:1-2).

Let me give an example of what I mean.

Early in our marriage, Anita and I would talk with each other fairly often about how much we disliked elitism. There was one person in particular that we were bugged about because he was "such an elitist." You might say we figuratively pointed a finger at him—behind his back—and said, "You are an elitist."

Later Anita realized, to her surprise, that by judging this man as an elitist, she herself was being an elitist by considering herself superior to him. And so was I. Three of our fingers were pointing back at us, saying, "You are an elitist."

When we realized we were doing to this man exactly the same thing we were judging him for, we had to repent. We humbled ourselves and began to see him with new eyes. As a result, he became one of our most respected friends.

Through this experience, we learned that when we judge others, ironically, we judge ourselves. We also put distance between ourselves and those we judge.

Do you see this pattern in your own life?

If you become angry at someone for being unkind to you, are you being unkind to them?

When someone cuts you off on the freeway, do you try to show them how bad they are by cutting them off?

What other examples can you think of?

Examples of the devastating effects of judgment are all around us. Judgment has polarized our politics. Judgment tears apart marriages and families. In society, some individuals and groups are judged and marginalized, and sometimes when they find their voices they seem intent on returning the favor.

We give ourselves and others a gift when we learn to stop judging.

Here are some of the lessons I have learned for myself about not judging:

1. There is a difference between thinking I know something and having an opinion about it, and it really helps to understand the difference. (Since we are human, finite and fallible, is there really anything that is not an opinion?)

2. There is a huge difference between exercising judgment to discern wisdom for myself and exercising judgment to condemn others.

3. I am being self-righteous when I think I know the absolute truth about something and I judge and condemn someone else for not conforming to my viewpoint.

4. I can discern and know something for myself and stand in that truth without imposing that view on others, and I can still be humble and remain open to the possibility that I might be wrong or that there might at least be more to the picture than I am currently seeing.

5. I can tell I am in judgment mode when I see that I am holding others to a standard of perfection, as defined by me, or I am insisting that a standard of "anything goes" applies to me. 

6. When I think I definitively know something, I am not open to learning anything new.

7. When I think I definitively know someone, I am not open to being surprised by them in every moment, and I am not giving them the space to grow and change.

_______

Nowadays, I try not to point fingers so much. All that pointing can be painful!

By instead extending an open hand and open arms, I get to give and receive friendly handshakes and warm embraces, and any distance between us disappears.

—o0o— 

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